What about strained families

Are we influenced by our families?

Families are often blamed for our lack of confidence, anxiety, depression, panic attacks, insecurity, addictions, or inability to say no.  Is that fair and how many perfect families do you know?

Does this mean they’re “Dysfunctional” ?

Truth is, many families could be called “dysfunctional”. Whether they receive the label depends on how visible their issues are, but it certainly doesn’t mean they’re hopeless, nor that children from such families cannot thrive happily, provided they are -

• Properly cared for.
• Feel loved and supported.
• Are valued for who they are, not what parents might like them to be.
• Feel listened to and understood.
• Understand they’re not the cause of their parents’ disagreements.

Parents not always agreeing, sibling rivalry, attention seeking, and feelings of injustice are “normal”.  Generally, the rough-and-tumble of family life is healthy, and helps children adjust better to the outside world.

Nevertheless, some factors can be damaging if they occur frequently e.g. -

• Constant, may be violent, disagreements.
• Inconsistent behaviours or unpredictable mood swings.
• Over/under indulgence.
• Broken promises.
• Unexplained absences of a parent.
• Emotional or physical neglect.
• Favouritism or scapegoating.
• Manipulation or jealousy.
• Excessive emotional dependence between parent and child.
• Emotional, physical or sexual abuse.
• Alcoholism or drug dependence.
• Too much control or protection.

What else could you add to this list?

In such families, even though childrenmay be really loved by parents, they can still get hurt, and being impressionable, these negative experiences may shape later behaviours, expectations, attitudes or relationships.

What does this mean for a child?

If we come from these sorts of families we’re not bound to be disadvantaged.  Just as with physical characteristics, much depends on our genetic makeup as well as our environment. Some of us may cope well, while others may struggle.  How we respond is no reflection on our merit as a human being.  It’s just a fact that some of us have greater emotional strength than others.  It is also often true that some of us are better at hiding our insecurities, leading others to think we feel OK, when inside we don’t.

Even when family life has impacted on us negatively, we may be able to make use of it, e.g. by letting it have a positive influence on our choice of career.

What happens when our families are less than ideal?

Common patterns of behaviour might be -

• Difficulty in making commitment or choice – procrastination.
• Lack of self-esteem/confidence/self belief – socially, academically or in the workplace.
• Difficulty in maintaining/respecting boundaries, e.g. allowing others to invade our space or control

our lives.

• Feelings of powerlessness, anxiety or depression.
• Difficulty in allowing or experiencing intimacy.
• Disappointment in how others behave towards us.
• Tendencies to give up easily or believe tasks are impossible.
• Frequent feelings of anger, frustration or irritation.
• Difficulty in showing love or feeling loved.
• Tendencies to distance ourselves from feelings in ourselves and others.

I’d be surprised if you didn’t recognise some of these in yourself or people you know.  I certainly do.  Of course this list isn’t complete.  I suspect it never could be, but any of these issues can put us at a disadvantage from making the most of our lives.

Can we get over difficult family backgrounds?

Fortunately, the answer is usually “yes”.

Until we grow up, and may be not even then, we may be unable to recognise that our family was different.  How can we, when ours’ is usually the only one we’ve really known?  Even if we did, as children we are powerless to change much.

People often describe their childhood as fine, “My parents were very supportive.”  It’s only later we may hear that “dad sometimes threw a book at one of us”; that “when he came home drunk everyone had to be on their best behaviour or he’d get violent”; or that “we had to be very quiet in the other room, because Mum had a boyfriend round who got angry if they were disturbed.”

As children, we learn to survive by adapting our behaviour, and although these behaviours may work well in our younger years, they aren’t necessarily so useful when we are adults.

Families with issues often do result in children with issues, and when these children grow up they can create more families with issues. This chain effect can be broken by helping parents and their children to recognise what has been going on and change behaviours.

If we suspect our past is affecting our lives adversely, the services of an objective, sensitive, qualified counsellor or psychotherapist may be helpful, either on a one-to-one basis or in a group setting.

Through unbiased support and reflection, we can discover how our family may have affected us, and how we could have happier lives, and maybe be better parents ourselves.

To do this successfully we need to –

• Recognise we have issues, and genuinely want to change.
• Be prepared to face the realities of our family, even though it might be uncomfortable.
• Be prepared to grow self-awareness.
• Be willing to get in touch with our feelings and understand them, even if that’s painful.
• Have the courage to take advantage of the fresh opportunities our discoveries make possible.
• Be willing to take responsibility for our lives and reap the possible rewards of happiness and fulfilment.

This process can help us become more confident, happier individuals, better able to make good choices, communicate effectively, be more successful and feel more fulfilled.

What next?

If you can identify with any of this or recognise it in people you know, and would like more information, please visit www.aurorapsychosynthesis.co.uk.

Rachella Michaels MA UKCP APP -   Rachella is a qualified counsellor and psychotherapist, working with individuals and couples

Copyright Rachelle Michaels, February 2010