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What about better relationships?

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whether with a sexual partner, parents, children, or in the workplace.
Typically these develop when –

There are difficulties or misunderstandings in communication.
There are differences in values, customs, cultural/family traditions or religious beliefs.
There are feelings of being criticised, threatened, blamed or treated unfairly.
There is emotional withdrawal and/or lack of cooperation.
We feel cornered or pressured into doing things we are uncomfortable with.

Have you noticed how relationships, either your own or those of your friends, sometimes follow a familiar pattern?

With a sexual partner, typical scenarios might be an exciting and enthusiastic start but –

After a few months the relationship deteriorates into feelings of disappointment, dissatisfaction, powerlessness or frustration, or of being let down or ignored.
Before long one of the partners complains of not being understood, not being appreciated or being taken for granted.
After a few months one partner starts to be suspicious that the other is being unfaithful. This leads to feelings of insecurity, and can result in emotional withdrawal and/or a desire to hurt the other, sometimes in turn through being unfaithful.
After a few years, boredom sets in, and one or both partners are tempted to be unfaithful.

In a new job familiar patterns may be, after the initial excitement and enthusiasm of learning new things and meeting new people –

Feelings of dissatisfaction, anxiety, being bullied or taken advantage of start to emerge.
Fears and doubts about being able to perform arise, when the job turns out to be not really what it was originally thought to be, training seems insufficient or the new colleagues turn out to be unsupportive.

In family environments common situations are -

A father getting angry when he feels he is never listened to or taken notice of by typical teenage children, especially if he’s not supported by his wife.
A single mum, feeling powerless and isolated, reacts angrily to children who complain because they can’t have everything they want.
Children whose parents fight a lot may worry about them separating, and because no one thinks to explain what the disputes are about, they assume they are to blame, often resulting in lack of confidence, anxiety, low self esteem, depression or feeling unloved or un-loveable.

These are just a few examples of possible fallout from relationship difficulties, and I’m sure you can think of countless others. Under stress many of us may have reacted similarly, but why does this happen?

What is it about us, that sets up these behaviour patterns?

Generally, we learn our behaviour patterns through experience, early experiences being those most likely to shape our beliefs and attitudes, both negative and positive.

Negative beliefs about ourselves and what we can expect of others are usually the most damaging, often resulting in frustrated relationships and unfulfilled lives.

Typical negative self beliefs may be –

I can never win an argument.

I am inadequate in personal situations and/or in the workplace.
I often feel hurt or neglected.
I don’t feel listened to or understood.
I often feel abandoned or let down.
I can’t/mustn’t say no.

I wonder how many of you can identify with one or more of these, can recognise them in others or can add more to the list.

Any or all of these can have a big impact on our ability to maintain successful relationships, wherever they may be. These self beliefs colour the way we perceive what others say and shape what we say to them, so distorting our ability to communicate effectively.

They can pre-shape our expectations of relationships, preparing us for rejection, failure or betrayal, or priming us to undervalue ourselves, what we can offer, and what we deserve.

In contrast, they may create unrealistic expectations of what we can achieve or find in others leading to frequent disappointment and ultimately despair.

The important question is, can anything be done about these negative self beliefs?

Fortunately, the answer is usually yes assuming that -

An individual is able to recognise their patterns and wants to change.
That they can increase their awareness.
That they’re able to learn to sense their feelings and understand them.
That they can learn to appreciate how their behaviour might impact on others.
That through this growth in consciousness they become better able to knowingly modify their behaviour and communicate more effectively.
That they’re prepared to do the work and be patient with themselves.

When negative self beliefs are having a serious impact on lives and relationships, most of us will benefit from objective, independent help on a one-to-one basis, with our partner, or in a group setting. These services are available from qualified counsellors, psychotherapists and appropriate organisations. When successful, they lead to happier, more confident individuals better able to make good choices, to communicate more effectively, form rewarding relationships and feel more fulfilled.

What next?

If you can identify with any of this or recognise it in people you know, and would like more information, visit www.aurorapsychosynthesis.co.uk

Rachella Michaels MA UKCP APP - Rachella is a qualified counsellor and psychotherapist, working with individuals and couples

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