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An emotion-focused approach to couple counselling (EFT-C)

Escalating conflicts, raised voices, things said in anger, is this the flavour of your relationship?  Does it leave you feeling hurt, angry, powerless, sad, ashamed, betrayed, abandoned, afraid or guilty?

These are clear signs something is wrong, but how can we put it right? Do we run away, or is it worth saving?

If we run away, chances are something similar will happen in our next relationship. If we try to save it, we give ourselves an opportunity to learn not only more about our partner but also more about ourselves, something which may benefit us in many aspects of our life, not just in relationships.

What can we do?

Relationships are often helped by the objective assistance of an unbiased third party. Someone who can help you and your partner unpack difficulties, and provide insightful strategies to get your relationship back on track.

Emotion-Focused Couple Therapy (EFT-C) offers a fresh approach to the effective and constructive resolution of couples conflict. by unravelling patterns of behaviour that cause negative reactions and replacing them with positive behaviours that result in nourishing emotional experiences – the foundations of good relationships.

The psychological research, on which EFT-C is based, suggests we choose experiences giving positive emotions because they benefit our survival and growth. This means we feel excitement and satisfaction when relationships meet our needs, but anxiety and loneliness when they don’t.

How can EFT-C help?

Emotion-Focused Couples Therapy works with feelings in a structured way, providing an in-depth understanding of the dynamics within relationships, developing mutual support and empathy in place of conflict and pain.

Key components to successful couple relationships are –

• A feeling of being loved and held emotionally, as well as being loving in return.
• Retaining a sense of individual identity and control, as well as sharing an identity as a couple.
• The presence of sexual attraction.

If one or more of these is weak, partners often experience recurring cycles of disharmony. When we recognize that, three things become possible –

• We can identify this negative cycle as the difficulty, rather than blaming each other, so it’s easier to manage and less likely to escalate.
• Together we can explore the negative feelings generated by the cycle, and trace their origins.  This helps us to understand ourselves and each other emotionally.
• The empathy and understanding created can help us soothe ourselves and each other, so differences can be resolved in positive, meaningful ways.

What’s the aim?

The aim of EFT-C is to discover how the negative cycle arises.  Usually it’s to do with early experiences that have led to uncomfortable, painful or anxious feelings of –

• Helplessness.
• Abandonment.
• Hurt or shame.
• Fear.
• Being ignored or not listen to.
• Being seen as stupid or ignorant.
• Loss of identity.
• Personal values or standards being undervalued.

Even though these feelings seem to arise in the here and now, they are often rooted in childhood experiences or in previous relationships, but whatever their origins, they are very uncomfortable so we try to avoid them by being defensive, a perfect strategy for growing differences into conflicts. The truth is such feelings may not always be justified in the current situation, especially when based on past experiences, but in the heat of the moment that’s hard to see.

Once we see why we or our partner have these feelings and understand their origins, we are less likely to be drawn into our own emotional reactions, so behaviours become less explosive, attitudes less rigid, and differences less likely to escalate.

How can we resolve differences?

The exploration, understanding and acceptance of these feelings by each partner enables effective working strategies to be developed.

Differences between partners are normal, after all we come from different families, backgrounds, and maybe different cultures or religions.

Past experiences may prime us to expect infidelity, abandonment, or some form of abuse. Such insecurities can make us feel defensive and fearful of repetitions. We can become agitated by quite innocent behaviour from our partner, and react inappropriately out of fear, anxiety or inadequacy. The resulting accusations can provoke feelings of injustice and/or inadequacy in our partner, a perfect recipe for growing conflict.

Similarly, what we learn in our birth families often feels very dear to us, and more importantly “right”.  It takes time, courage and maturity to re-evaluate the real meaning of these beliefs and whether we still need them when they appear to create conflict.

Those beliefs may have suited our parents or us when we were little, but may not suit us now. Maybe we could drop them, or if they seem essential, perhaps we can persuade our partner of their value or find an acceptable compromise.

It’s amazing how reasonable we can be, when emotions are recognised as belonging to the past, the motivation of being together and feeling good swings into action, and the mind has an opportunity to become engaged!

No one says these processes are easy, but they’re important if we are to grow into mature adults.

It often needs –

• A neutral mirror in a supportive environment, to diffuse differences or insecurities and grow awareness.
• A neutral space, where negative cycles can be identified and helpful strategies developed.

What next?

This type of couples therapy, pioneered by Professor Leslie Greenberg and Dr Sue Johnson in Canada, is well-established in North America, and is becoming well accepted in Europe. It is now available in the UK, in London and Oxfordshire, and its effectiveness has been confirmed by robust research*.

If you identify with any of these issues, or recognise them in people you know, and would like more information, please visit

www.counsellingforcouplesnorthlondon.co.uk

Useful links –

www.psychpage.com/family/library/eft.htm *

www.apa.org/videos/4310755.html

www.emotions-fokussierte-therapie.de/ (under construction)

www.iceft.com/whatis.htm

Rachella Michaels MA UKCP APP -   Rachella is a qualified EFT-C counsellor and psychotherapist working with couples and individuals Copyright Rachelle Michaels, March 2010

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